Dear nice guys who end up in the friend zone,
I’ve got a little secrete for you guys, I know why you end up in the friend zone.
So, you say you’re a nice guy, maybe you are. Always there for her, she talks to you about all her problems, you were there for her when her cat died. You helped her though some tough times, but she only looks at you as a friend, nothing more.
Here’s the thing, she doesn’t like you that way because she’s not interested in a physical or romantic relationship with you.
Why?
No one really owes you an explanation as to why. It’s her decision. But she’s always complaining about how there are no nice guys, and she wishes she could meet a guy “like you”, whatever, she doesn’t want to have sex with you, she doesn’t want to have a romantic relationship with you, and that’s just the way it is.
She owes you no explanation.
I’ve been on both sides of this before. I’ve had people who started out as friends who I later became attracted to, and I was forthcoming about it, got shot down or told that it would ruin our friendship, that they weren’t interested, or ready, or that we weren’t on the same page.
On the other side of the coin, I’ve known very attractive, wonderful and intelligent women that were all for taking things to the “next level”, but for whatever reason, I simply wasn’t interested in doing so.
I will say this, the whole “friend zone” thing seems to be an entitlement issue. It seems like so many “nice guys” get bent out of shape after they go out of their way for someone only to be still considered “just a friend”, and therein lies the problem.
Here’s the thing, up until I met Brittany, every physical or romantic relationship I’ve been in were with people I was friends with, my ex-wife and ex-fiancee included.
These were people I knew, hung out with, talked to, whatever, just like I would anyone else. I never did anything for any of them that I wouldn’t do for any other friend. I was myself. I’m actually very much a “nice” guy, but I’m not a “nice guy”.
There is a difference.
A lot of what “nice guys” do is kiss ass and expect some kind of reward in return. If you are really a nice person, you do things out of friendship with no other motive, and don’t really expect a lot in return outside of the normal scope of any other friendship.
A lot of these guys go into it trying to give the impression that they are not like other guys, that they don’t want to simply “get in someone’s pants”, but ultimately, if you want to pursue a romantic relationship with someone and you are a somewhat “average” human being and not asexual, that is part of the ultimate goal. Even if you really are in love with your best friend of the opposite sex, a romantic relationship is going to involve sex in nearly all cases.
Sometimes other people just don’t feel the same way about you. That’s just life. You might think it’s unfair, you might think it sucks, but that’s just the way it is. Going out of your way to try to make them see things your way seems a bit manipulative, don’t you think?
Actually it is, I’ve had friends who had other friends of theirs who pined after them. I’ve been the one pined after. It makes you uncomfortable. Hell a lot of people don’t understand why it makes them uncomfortable, or why this guy or girl who is willing to do anything for them is annoying as shit.
It’s because on some level we know, we know that there are other motives at work.
Also, and I know from first hand experience, that when someone is being super nice, would do anything for you, but you know they have feelings for you, it’s very uncomfortable. It makes you end up feeling like a bad person for not having feelings for them.
It comes down to this; be yourself.
But you really are a nice guy you say? Step back and ask yourself this, would you really go this far out of your way for someone you weren’t pursuing physically or romantically?
Probably not, and if that is the case, then ultimately, you are being manipulative. You might doing “nice” things for someone but with a selfish motive. I went down that road before when I was younger, and realized that what I was doing was pretty reprehensible.
On the other hand, maybe that’s just the kind of person you are, and it might just be for whatever reason they’re not interested. It happens, at that point you decide if you really want to be friends with that person or were only interested if it was going to be a relationship or hook up.
Whatever you do, don’t hang around, kiss ass, try to manipulate the situation or think you’re going to make someone fall for you. It doesn’t work that way.
As for myself, I’m very open about the fact that I’m a sexual person, I don’t act like I’m Mr. Nice Guy, I act like myself, I don’t go out of my way, and you’d be shocked at all the friends with benefits I’ve had over the years simply because I didn’t play games or try to act manipulative.
It amuses me that there are hundreds of books, programs, seminars, videos, so on and so forth that try to teach you how to keep from getting “friend zoned” - there’s the whole “pick up artist” scene, all this shit that tries to teach you how to manipulate and play games, when in ALL actuality, there is no magic bullet, no secrete formula, it’s all a matter of being yourself and being true with your intentions.
If it’s the right person, they will be just as interested in you as you are them, you won’t need to play games, kiss ass, manipulate or any of that, you should never resort to such tactics.
You’re not being much of a nice guy if you do.
